An open letter to...

...the man in the pointy hat

Pope Benedict,

    Welcome to America.  We're glad you stopped by and hope you can focus on rebuilding the church here.  I was raised a catholic and attended mass weekly.  Recent developments here have made that difficult.  Although I don't know anyone personally who was handled inappropriately by one of your staff, i did attend a parish where the pastor was transferred after he was found to be dipping into the till.  By the way, i later heard that he was transferred to my church for the same reason.

  This right red line, if you will, is the root of your problem.  Granted, we all try to protect our own, but at what expense?  This is why your comment today concerned me so much.  You pointed out that you're going to work to keep "pedophiles from becoming priests."  While that is a fantastic sound bite, the problem you should be focusing on is stopping priests from becoming pedophiles.

   Enjoy Yankee stadium - see if you can at least help them out while you're here.

Sincerely,
Touched by your efforts.

...Network Programming Staff Members

Listen, this idea of yours to run shows slightly past the hour is getting old.   I'm hard pressed to remember who started this, but i'm sure that you're all playing along now - Dancing with the Stars runs until 10:02,   Two and 1/2 Men runs to 9:31, American Idol runs until 9:0something and there are countless others. 

I'm deliberately leaving NBC out with that 3 40-minute shows 'must not see' lineup.

What you need to know is you're  simply screwing up our single-tuner DVRs.  Shows i want to tape that are on another network when yours end are getting skipped and, much like King Solomon, I'm more likely to award the spot to the other, less selfish network.

Sincerely,
Running my life by the clock.

...Grammy artists with large self-worth

Dear Mr. Fogerty and Mr West,

I have to admit, i never really liked either of  you that much. 

Your music is pretty amazing, but something about you has always struck me the wrong way. 

Mr Fogerty, it was great to see Tina sing Proud Mary with Beyonce but did you really need to stand in front of Jerry Lee Lewis while he played.  Come on, he's a legend.

And speaking of legends, you may think you're a one Mr West - and you may very well be one some day, but for now you're only a legend in your own mind.  Many people on that stage call grammy their home, you should be honored by their acceptance of you.

Sincerely,
The President of the Vince Gill Fan Club

...the man who wants to be italian

Dear Mr. Chase,

   I just wanted to take a moment to commend you on the end of your acclaimed crime-family series.  Over the past few years the show had its ups and downs but one thing consistently rang true: it was always what people were talking about.   The finale Sunday night moved along with a combination of snail's pace and edge-of-your-seat anticipation that has been your signature move.   As for the ending, i have to commend you, despite the fact that I thought it was the worst ending to anything I'd seen since "Back to the Future: Part 2."   You got exactly what you wanted - I think I heard more people talking about that ending - on radio, tv, offices, virtually everywhere - than any other tv event since "Who shot J.R."   The thing that J.R shared with Marty McFly is that they both told the audiences to stay tuned, the answer was coming.  It's OK, we've waited damn near 18 months before for your next season.  If you're planning on doing it again -be it big screen or small - at least let us know how long we'll have to wait.

Sincererly,
Actually Italian.

...Boards of Directors in America

I've been reviewing the trend for outsourcing here in the states and wanted to commend you on ensuring leadership that enacted a program which led to such dramatic bottom line savings.   It's nice to know the price of my, well whatever actually, didn't go down but at least the margin went up.

I'm writing today to tell you while i think the idea is progressing well but you're missing the biggest possible opportunities.  I've just become aware that there are numerous A-level executives available in China and India and other countries are working their hardest to produce better executive at a lower cost even as I write.  I think it's only in the best interest of us, America's shareholders, that you do what's right and begin to replace your CEOs CFO, COOs and just about every other O with someone who will work for $500K a year instead of $139 million.  Those savings will more than justify the fact that your thirty minute boardroom just ran two hours while you were on hold.

Sincerely,
Waiting for my stock to go up.

...the Postmaster General

Well you've done it again.  Fifteen months ago when you raised the First Class postage rate to $0.39 I never saw it coming.  As a matter of fact, no one I knew seemed to see it coming.  As you may be aware, if you're still opening my mail, I try to keep up with what's going on.  I read every news story I can online, read 2 newspapers, listen to NPR as well as Rush, Sean, Ellis, Bill and, until recently, the I-man.  I even watch local and network TV news.  So imagine my dismay when I heard the rate was going up the next day.  Oh well, all in a day's work for a government run system.

Cut to this afternoon, when I was standing in line to buy some stamps when the gentleman behind the counter asked me "are you sure you need that many - you do know the price is going up in 2 weeks, right?"   dammit, I'm out of the loop again.  So I asked him how I was supposed to know this and he said, and I swear I'm quoting him on this: "It's been everywhere."  That's a pretty ubiquitous term for a guy who stares at the inside of the same room about 240 days a year to throw around, especially since the affor-mentioned media IV into which I'm plugged hasn't spilled that juicy tidbit yet. 

This is where i figured i'd get a little crazy.  I looked around every inch of your local post office, I mean enough so that people were sizing me up to see if i was one of those ten pictures on the wall.  And would you like to know what my search netted?  Nothing...Notta...Zilch...not one mention of the impending rate increase.  Now, I'm no marketing genius but if I were running your business I'd probably use just two means of notification for rate increases: 1) posters at every post office bigger than R2-D2 and 2) direct mail!!!  A card in everyone's mail 30 days before your increase might just let us know what's going on.   I just checked my brand new roll of flags and there are about 84 left.   If i had known I would have just bought a sheet.

Sincerely,
Thanking God for self-stick.

...Joe Kennedy

I've seen your ads and to say I'm disappointed would be an understatement.

When Hugo Chavez stood up in front of the United Nations a few months ago and referred to president Bush as the devil I lost what little faith I had in our President.  Here's a man (Bush) who stands firm on points with which I don't even begin to agree.  He's part of my national family though, so I have the right to critisize him.  When the leader of another country postures that way on a world forum I think our President should have gone full force against him (no, no, not ground troops).    When Chavez threatened that we should watch out or he'd reduce the oil coming into this country we should have told him to keep all of his oil - starting immediately.   Granted our oil prices would have gone up a percent or two, but that's an average day.  I think their economy would have been a little more threatened than ours.  And that, Mr. Bush is how to use your power - without one lost life I might add.

But wait, Joe, don't think I forgot that this letter was to you.  For you to stand up on national television and tell that the 'good people of Venezuela' are helping our poor is despicable.  I do believe a large number of the people there are decent, but you're glossing over the bigger picture.  None of it is their choice.   Here, we still have choice and I'm choosing to tell everyone I know to boycott that Venezuelan oil company no matter how many times they change their name.

Sincerely,
A Voltaire fan.

..the department of INS

        I'm impressed with just how much I keep hearing about the problems with illegal immigration from Mexico.  while I agree that it's a concern that should be addressed, I think we need to put it in perspective to the actual problem - the degradation of the federal government's ability to solve these issues and the ones which are related to it.

        I drove through Hazleton PA a few months ago and the reports on TV were pretty accurate - the town is a lightning rod for this debate.  The first establishment i saw, a bar, had a sign out front that said 'All Legals Served.'  For the debate to have progressed this far, something must be functioning incorrectly. 

        I believe that there are two parts to this particular problem:

        1) A sudden spotlight on an issue which has existed for at least 20 years.  Immigration law was updated under the Reagan administration because of 'problems' similar to those documented recently.  Unfortunately, while the law was updated, it wasn't really enforced.  We haven't been stopping as many people as we can at the borders (that's right borders, last time I checked there was one up there too) and we haven't been chasing down the ones that got through.  I think we have no choice but to put an infrastructure in place that guarantees we know the status of occupants of our country.  Not only to ensure they're paying their taxes, but to make sure we don't need to send Jack Bauer after them.   If this means a national ID card, then so be it: Visa, AmEx, WalMart and CVS basically know everything about me anyway.  There's a difference between the government wanting to ensure your status is documented and their desire to track your every move.  While some argue the former leads to the latter, I say we need the card and should go after those who abuse it (say 'cheese' Mr. Gonzales).

        2) The side effect of this influx is what really burns me up: the migration of our society to two languages.  Caused in part by the large influx of Spanish immigrants, this is causing strain in a way that hasn't been felt in over 200 years in this country: schools, driving tests and many other public services are adapting to two languages - a luxury that wasn't given to my Italian ancestors, nor any others for that matter.  If you're willing to spend 36 hours in the bottom of a barrel to get here, isn't another language a better sacrifice?  We'll see if there's room for you, but you've got to follow the rules.

        Notice that i said the influx of immigrants is part of the language problem.  I really believe it's something else that's equally - or even more - to blame: corporate America.  What's that you say?  Check out your Home Depot or Wal-Mart your latest packages of napkins or fast-food snacks. Odds are it's written in two languages.  Many of the toys given to our kids have a switch to choose between English and Spanish. Someone even just gave my son a toy phone with no switch - it just alternates.  This is a problem, and it was returned to the store..  I'd advise you to do the same.  Send them back, send letters to those companies and let them know you're not buying another product of theirs if it's bilingual.

        Immigration is a complex issue, and it needs to be solved it at a national level.  Understand who's coming in and how long they're going to be here. And, on their way in, let them know that it took over two hundred years for this pot to melt and, even in the Internet age, we're not turning the heat up that much.

       

...the man in the oval office

I sit here this morning awestruck by Tony Snow's press conference yesterday.  Admittedly, picking him was an excellent choice.  I believe he's unflappable - Ari Myers must be proud.  My concern came when he basically said that there was no need for any Whitehouse staff to testify under oath because they were going to tell the truth anyway.  It seems to me as the Patriot Act was rolling out we were told not to worry about what you were looking at because, if we were doing nothing wrong, we had nothing to hide.  All I'm asking for here is a little quid pro quo.

According to the pundits on the right, the Whitehouse is avoiding this 'dog-n-pony' show because it's a trap, one that would only lead to someone being caught in a lie under oath.  Once again I'm forced to revisit the fact that I've pointed out to my friends on the right that the current administration lied to the country about the reasons for war and that was just as bad as, if not worse than, the previous administration lying about who was under the desk.  The answer i got was - wait for it - well the last guy lied under oath.   At least he testified under oath.

The thing for which i must commend your administration (OK those gentlemen right behind you mostly) is the sideshow created by having this information come out.  Last week when the Attorney General admitted violations of the Patriot Act there was a bit of outrage, but it didn't get time to grow.  This other scandal, which was discovered just days later, is obviously much more important.  I mean come one, the lives of 8 lawyers compared to the hundred of PA violations - nice job.

At least there's hope for the Republicans.  As more and more of them line up against this continued power grab - see the 96-2 vote to limit Gonzales hiring power - perhaps they will be able to salvage some meaningful dialog.  If your party - if they're still calling themselves that - wants to complete the task they should be listening to centrists like Governor Schwarzenegger and not you.

Sincerely,
Looking for my magnifying glass.

...Blockbuster Video

Just when i thought my life was confusing enough, I have been proven wrong once again.  I rented "Casino Royale" on Wednesday, in anticipation of watching it with some friends friday night.  It was a "2-day" rental, so I figured I'd drop it off on the way home and beat the midnight deadline.  Admittedly, I hadn't picked up a movie in the store since the advent of PPV and NetFlix, but this one just came out and I wanted to guarantee we'd see it ASAP.

With the snowstorm Friday I didn't get to head out to watch the movie and, not surprisingly, didn't get to return it either.  Now here's where i've really gotten out of touch.  I had seen the whole "No More Late Fees!" thing whenever that was, but had filed it away deep in the annals.  When I brought the movie back, about 5PM on Saturday, I went to the counter prepared to see if the snow was enough reason to ditch the late fee.    The manager informed me that my movie was two days late - one for missing midnight the first night then one for missing noon for each additional day.  She then proceeded to tell me that it was OK because your policy is a 7-day grace period on returns. 

So let me get this straight - my two day rental is actually a nine day rental.  Nice to know, but why did I need a slide rule to figure out that it was free?

Sincerely,
Waiting for NetFlix Download