An open letter to:

...the Big Three

I've been thinking a bit about your request for additional funds to shore up your operation.   As a business owner myself I understand the need to keep cash flow moving and have sufficient capital to get past unforeseen events which will continue my growth of even my existence.   Since my employee count is a rounding error in any of your companies, I'm virtually certain that no matter how much *I* whined, I couldn't get the bailout.

Despite those facts, I think i have a solution to your problem.  Here's what we're going to do:

1. We're going to divide the $25B into 2 pots: $15B and $10B.
2. We're going to contract with Fox to hold the 8PM hour free for all 5 nights next week.
3. We're going to bring you in for "Survivor: Detroit"

Here's how it will work:

• Monday:  You'll need to bring your CEO and your CFO.  They can pitch the P&L of the company, pipeline forecasts, etc.
• Tuesday: talent portion.   You can bring in up to 3 employees who demonstrate the heart-and-soul of the company.  They must all be non-exempt.
• Wednesday: result's show.  After America votes, one of you will be sent home.
• Thursday: Guest star night! Nissan comes in (OK perhaps Toyota or even Kia, we're working that out now to see who's up for it).  It's announced that the runner-up will be bought by the guest star.
• Friday:  Final results show.  Without one gratuitous dance number, forsaking anyone eating bugs, the winner will be chosen.  Ed McMachon will appear (sans rap attire) with a check with is huge in both size and amount - $15B even.  Executives will not be whisked away to an island, but told to get back to work.   The runner up will only bear small job losses and, under the work ethic and business sense of the guest star, will most likely emerge stronger than the winner in just 4 years.

Thank you for tuning in and we look forward to seeing you all again in January for Survivor: Retail.

Sincerely,
Bailing water as fast as I can.

PS  I'm not bad at math just making sure you're still reading.   I know what you're thinking, the winner got the $15B and the runner up got bought out - what happens to the rest of the money?  Well the Department of Labor will get the other $10B to be used for unemployment and retraining benefits needed now because of your lack of ability to adapt 5 years ago.

...Rev. Jay Scott Newman, and those with whom he pals around

Reverend Newman,

   I was just reading an article on your attempt at 15 minutes of fame. Let me start by giving you a little context, on the outside chance you haven't heard of me.   I was raised a catholic and am still practicing to the best of my ability.  I continue to believe in God and Jesus, and take my family to church almost every Sunday.  I'm a fiscal conservative, but a social liberal. I'm against the death penalty, only for abortion in the most necessary of cases,  couldn't care less about gay marriage.

   Based on what you've come to know of me in the last 54 seconds, I'm sure you're tensing up, wondering how hard I'm going to come out against your preaching politics from the pulpit.   Rest at ease, the fact of the matter is I'm a liberal and, as a result, gladly accept your ability to express your views.   While I don't necessarily agree with your stance, this is America after all.

   I think this all started about a month before the election, when my pastor stood up during the homily and pointed out that we should not vote for anyone who was pro-choice.  Frankly, it got my dander up a bit - how dare he talk politics from the alter?  Two weeks before the election he spoke of a letter he had received from the archdiocese comparing the two candidates on 15 issues that were essential to the election.  He mentioned during that homily that, although he felt all 15 may be important, he only wanted to focus on two.  I'm guessing you know which two they were, but for the sake of those reading along I'll point out that they were gay marriage and abortion.  I think the people sitting behind me were a little concerned at the wringing of my hands and my shifting in my seat while he spoke but, as a good Christian (and a good liberal) I sat and listened - i even stayed after communion.

  It was only that night at home, when i meditated in prayer on the situation that what i believe to be the clear answer came to me.  There is nothing wrong with preaching politics from the alter, or whatever other religious platform from which one speaks.  There are of course, a couple of stipulations:

• I hope the forum will grow to a wider variety of atrocious issues.   Next up I'm hoping for a couple of sermons on defrocking and prosecuting priests who have molested minors.
• Scorning of anyone who's divorced.  If we're complaining about things that are threatening the sanctity of marriage, that's gotta be number one with a bullet.
• The understanding that the freedom of speech which we all enjoy (yes, even you) comes with expenses - specifically troops fighting here and abroad to protect us and tax dollars to fund the government that provides the framework for these liberties.  Now I'm pretty sure that you're behind the troops, but you're going to need to step up to the plate on funding your part of the bill.  Property taxes and income taxes should be forthcoming.
• Finally, I hope you understand what I'll refer to as the "Dixie Chicks Principle" at lack of a better term.  We all need to realize if we're in business, what we say will affect our revenue.  I'm sure you can draw that conclusion without my help.

Sincerely
hoping you read the parts of the bible which focus on tolerance and forgiveness.

...the new man in charge

Good morning President Obama,

      I hope the morning finds you well, having absorbed the first full day of your President-electness.  Now that you've successfully set history in motion, I'm personally calling on you to build on your momentum.   As I observe the political landscape, i see the cravas widening between the left and the right. This is the basis of the destruction of not only politics, but society.  So...you simply need to continue down your path and fix it.  How you ask?  Actually it's pretty simple - cabinet appointments.

    Let's start with a war hero who, until recently, had a great direction in Washington.  I'm sure he was unduly influenced by a bad team of advisors, but when put in charge of defense, Secretary McCain would both serve our country well and demonstrate your desire to be a uniter not a divider.  (admittedly, you should NOT use that term).

   With the treasury under water, what better than a businessman with political experience to run that department.  I think we'd all rather see Secretary Bloomberg there instead of embroiled in term-limit brouhaha.

   Concerns of strength in defense need to be quelled as fast as this gap needs to be bridged.  I'll leave this one up to you (ok, I know they're really all up to you and someone sitting two chairs to your right just made a joke about an open letter that had the audacity to suggest your appointments, but i digress).  Rudy Guliani carries the gusto to carry either Homeland Security or National Security adviser.

   I'm just exposing the tip of the iceberg here.  I'm sure there are similar selections that could ensure that you bring the right people to the job, drawing on their experiences and ignoring their politics.  Good luck with your selections.

Sincerely,
hoping you'll build a bridge to somewhere.

PS  Oh, and what about press secretary?  I think the Governor of Alaska would be a fantastic talking head for your administration.